CAUTION. THERE MAY BE SPOILERS AHEAD. REALLY.

I'm not going to do it.

I refuse.

You can't make me.

Never never never in my long long life.

Oh what, dear friends, am I referring to?

Dear Sister Meyer's latest book. I will not read it.

Why why why? Why must this Twilight dreck be forced upon us? Why the hot Edward? Why the Sue!Bella? Why the entire far-too-perfect Cullen clan? Why the sparkling???

I admit it, mates; I read Twilight and rather enjoyed it. Then, despite not really wanting to, I read New Moon and Eclipse. (Kinda. Not all the way through; I would pick it up, open it in a random spot, read a few pages or whatever, and then put it down. I eventually read most of the content this way. Enough to get a pretty good idea.)

But I'm not even going to do that with Breaking WindImeanDawn, at least not if I can help it. (Yes, I know it's juvenile. But I got it from my parents.)

So here's what happened. We left camp early on Saturday so we could get home early enough for me to run to the Bookstore and take advantage of the wonderful wonderful sale - 25% off fantasy novels in General and Children's Book. (I got Elantris and Mistborn [Brandon Sanderson], Night Watch and Maskerade and Carpe Jugulum [Terry Pratchett].) While I was there, I noticed the displays and displays, plus some displays, of Breaking Dawn. Oh, and the older Twilight and New Moon and Eclipse, plus some Host, were also hanging out. And there were displays. Many of them. Seriously. (I left for the campout rather sad I couldn't work the party Friday night, but as I stared at the Milky Way through a ten-inch telescope, the party became rather insignificant, and by the next day I was very glad I had skipped it.) Anyway, I was, being myself, overcome with curiosity (what got me to finally pick up the second and third books, despite very much not wanting to).

I walked over to one of the displays, trying to look very nonchalant. I opened the book and read the chapter titles. I felt a little - worried? annoyed? when there were so few for such a big, fat, huge, brick of a book. Then, having read the first chapter like everyone else who cannot resist the siren call of these books, I did what I do best: open the book in the middle and read a bit.

Okay. That paragraph was odd. Let's try again.

Um, no. Different paragraph?

Who are these people, and why are they here?

That's it. I'm skipping to the end.

That's right folks, I did what I did with HP 7. (And yes, there were mobs of HP fans with pitchforks when I said this about that book.) I read the end. THE END! Oh, and what did I see? Nothing I didn't expect to see! Bella is a vampire, she and Eddie boy are happy as pie, she has a shield talent, and they have figured out a way for Edward to read Bella's mind. The end. Oh, and they're reminiscing about their honeymoon. Ick.

And, unlike reading the end of Harry Potter 7, reading the end of Breaking Dawn did not give me a feeling of peace with that particular universe and a plan to read the book eventually. No, reading the end of Breaking Dawn only made me feel like I should hurl the book across the room. Or scream. Or laugh hysterically. Thankfully, I did not quite decide I should give up on quality and in-depth writing for my own novels and go for cheap cliches in hopes some children's publisher would pick me up. I'm looking at the publishers of both Eragon and Twilight here, though I would take Twilight over Eragon any day. But that's a topic for another day.

So there it is, mates. I will not read that book. Ever. I will go see the Twilight movie, but I will be deeply ashamed and in disguise. And I will purify myself directly after.

Do you think I mentioned Bella, Edward, the Cullen family, Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn, and the Twilight movie enough for my readers to go up? I can hope!